Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Randomize
