At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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