the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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