oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
