I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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