Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
