Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
