had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
