my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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