please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
