just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
how drunk are you?
Several
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
