K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Houston, we have a blender
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
