State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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