I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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