I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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