He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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