Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
