dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
