So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Randomize
