Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
