So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
