Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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