good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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