I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Randomize
