Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
