I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
