if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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