What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
