seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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