I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
