I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
