I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
