Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
