I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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