god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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