I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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