hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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