I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
