If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Randomize
