I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
