i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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