I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
