I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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