Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
