Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
