NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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