my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster