oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
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This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
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After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.