we're chasing vodka with high fives
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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