I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
We were destined to go to rehab together
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
