Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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