Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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