what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
