Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
So vagazzling was a success
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
