OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
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