I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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