so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
