I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
