TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
