I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
well you can't waste a boner
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
