What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
